well here I was at the crossroads see for me I was experiencing the longest day of my life.
I was convicted, aware of sentence and conveniently on posted bail.
Bail conditions were that I would remain “ free” in the community until date of surrender
in January 1998.
I know the day was long because prayer in congregation was before 5:00 a.m.
I read some until the laundromat on the corner opened at 7:00 a.m.
Chores wasn’t unusual in itself, being domestic no problem.
Delaying the inevitable wasn’t probable nor realistic.
I wasn’t on sabotage, rather on self preservation ( primary defenses)
human nature being as it may I was going to State Prison later that day,
but just not exactly at that moment.
Ever reminding me was Mom “ don’t you have somewhere to be”.
None of my thoughts were misdirected so I did internalize her statement.
I most likely had a valid and appropriate response, just didn’t voice it.
Like no I’m not going grocery shopping next!
I was in charge of me and with Faith not self destructive.
Up until this time I was more recently not self destructive and was
productive in the community, having quality times to nurture my only son
on occasion whenever possible.
Self discipline fosters balanced emotions that lead to responsible actions.
Now here it is with all that being said.
I was the only one responsible for surrendering myself to be taken into custody
in N.J. Superior Courthouse.
Imagine that contributed to the time spent reflecting, thinking, projecting even.
Thoughts were self centered quite naturally about time....”doing time”
So here I am on a rainy friday in January 1998 “playing phone tag”
Fat Kid was involved as the street representative what a politician that guy
making calls back and forth to the court clerk. Thanks for the effort and even
more not being in a position to drive me directly up to the front door.
The attempt was just to delay the inevitable the obvious it’s better to go and get it over with.
Reality was that another weekend was going to change my course.
I did have the mature decision inside of me all along to not let the posted bail be forfeited
and not returned.
I didn’t post the bail, didn’t ask for it to be posted, was grateful.
There was a motive that became exposed later, that part revealed itself
to be more about property, guilt and false expectations, mostly others and not mine.
Finally it was determined that I was in route but would miss the appointed court time but not be self defeating and miss the court date.
No need to mess up a picture just because I didn’t draw it up.
Negotiations seemed to shape most if not all of my day that made it longer.
My oldest brother stood up for me that day he stood out being sentimental, genuine and today I imagine reflexive.
That guy actually showed he cared about me, wasn’t afraid to cry like he kept going in that direction until I interrupted the flow.
Declared I am the one going to Prison what you crying for we both got a pause and a good laugh out of that one there!
Definitely wasn’t being rough and rugged just having balanced emotions was extremely important.
Sincerity goes a long way with me so I can appreciate him no agenda, truly unconditional no unresolved issues.
Good Conscious brings me to the Truth that I have an older brother that is a great stand up guy!
Wow this just keeps playing itself out.
Back to the laundry, it was important to select layers of clothes to put on so that I would have stuff to wear going in to the county jail.
I was only allowed a few “ religious materials” and personal effects.
I imagine I ate something nothing that I remember to this day.
I get very basic, practical and spiritual about what I eat, when, and especially with who. Meals have always been communal for me.
Streetlife even supports that mindset be careful about who you eat with.
There is something about people stuffing their faces and laughter symbolizes fancy yet phony like as in thick as thieves.
Loyalty brings me to saying this still feast or famine.
I share a birthday with a cousin and that was our thing even flashed in my mind the day
I heard they shot him down on his porch at the age of 68 yrs old.
Loyalty and this profound statement will surface as a common thread.
Tough love is not the least sometimes it’s the most you gonna get.
I really don’t believe the hug that I got from Mom was void of Love...it was just a different type like how many ways do you love a Black Man in America.
Especially one with so much potential to be great.
Guess I would say I would be malnourished if all I had to feed off was others.
Clearly I was reading all the signs of how important it was to take an account, stand up and move forward with new purpose.
Only statement I would make had to be matched with direct action.
I clearly stated I’m leaving only to return a better man.
The rest once I got motivated I traveled seemed like across a thousand lifetimes
to be taken into custody @ N.J. State Superior Court approx. 4:15 p.m. after court proceedings.
Yes with Sheriffs my official status was surrendered, placed in custody.
Streets don’t miss anyone... it’s just the legend.. every day another legend is born based on the story to be told. Truth be told behold the lure of the characters you meet when you living in these streets.
Transition happens to make change
Healing helps to ease the pain
Transformation allows one to find the way
Redemption is in the heart
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